22-FEB-25
Things got better. Just as I promised.
It's not ideal, far from it. But I feel a bit better than I was feeling at the start of the semester.
I'm still too sad to reach out and hang out with my friends, and I still feel somewhat too busy and not really
enjoying my studies, and my work still sucks gigaballs, but it really got a tiny bit better. I'm chipping away my
schoolwork, and my proposal for my masters thesis was accepted. I can't believe I'll be writing my dissertation
on mechanical keyboards! That is a dream. Truth be told, my topic is Optimization of keyboard layout for typing
in Czech, and that is not very beneficial to anyone, but at least I'll enjoy writing it and in the end I might
end up with a framework for optimizing keyboard layouts, which I could always use, since I want to try daily
driving sub 60% keyboards.
19-FEB-25
I'm practicing eye contact with strangers.
Since the school started I'm back to spending huge chunks of time in a library. I usually walk all around the library.
There are like 6 floors in my local library, with lots of study spaces. I went for something and I made eye contact
with this girl. She looked away, blushing and smiling.
I felt like a god.
12-FEB-25
Dude I'm oh-so tired
Two weeks ago I finished my last exam for the semester. This week, surprisingly to nobody, a new semester started. And I find it so hard. Hard to stay focused. Hard to wake up and commute everyday. Hard to care about any of my classes.I'm starting to think the academy might not be for me. That being said I came this far, I am not going to just give up. I'm getting that degree in a year. But it really is hard. I spent most of the last semester being angry and tired. Same goes for the exams period. Then I was *okay* for two weeks, in between semesters, and now I'm back to being tired and angry. I honestly don't know what to do about it.
What I wrote somewhere here about the new year, how my time is running out, I meant it. Once I'm done with school I'll have no other choice than to enter workforce full-time. Ain't nobody gonna wait for me 'till i'll kindly learn how to actually program, you know, the thing I want to fucking do more than anything else. The thing that makes me paralyzed and keeps me awake at night. Man what the hell is wrong with me.
I can't keep going like this. I need a break. A reset. I just don't know yet what that means.
I'm sorry, I don't want to be such a downer. I'll get better. I promise.
07-DEC-24
A toast to my friends
I dedicate this drink to you all.
To Matt and his girlfriend. May your relationship flourish and your research flow.
To Kiara and her goal of becoming a writer. I read all your stories, and I listen to all your podcasts. I can't
wait for your next release.
To Josh and his career. I'm always astonished by your knowledge and accomplishments. And of course I check out
everything you put out there.
To Phoebe and her boyfriend. I'm so glad you found happiness in this relationship and I hope Toby will help you
find a direction. He's a certified baller.
To Otis, and his newfound love for academia. I'm so happy things are finally looking up for you.
To Lily, and her dream of becoming a doctor. Your crazy hard work does not go unnoticed.
To Max, who may be a bit struggling at the moment, but they always bounce back. I can't wait for the next sunset
watching session with beer and shit talking.
To Philip, Emily, Madelyn and Bella; we haven't been in touch lately, but I still think about you often and I
know about all the crazy shit you're up to.
I see all your hard work and it's inspiring me, lighting up this small flame inside of me. You make me want to
better myself. To chase my goals. To became a man I can be proud of. The man who can proudly stay by your side.
It's all your merit.
And I could never repay you for all the things you do for me, even if you think it's nothing.
So tonight I'm having this glass of whiskey on the rocks. Thinking about all of you. Being grateful for all of
you. Wishing that all your dreams will come true.
24-NOV-24
L's all around.
I failed my no internet challenge pretty badly, but I don't mind it that much, since I stated it way before
November, so I got quite close to whole month without modern internet.
I never started my dopamine detox. I bought The Last of Us Part 1 and pretty much binged it to the end.
Last night I was out with my friends and I saw a guy I was hanging out with in high school. I didn't approach
him, I felt sick. He's great guy, and I respect him dearly. But back in HS, he was the only one who was into
computers, like me. He was always two steps ahead but I never minded that, I still had things to bring to the
conversation.
I have no idea what he's doing now. Which university he attended. But if he did choose computer science he's
gotta be miles ahead of me, and it made me very sad.
06-NOV-24
Just like I said in this mondays blog post, if I won't make a concrete plan, I will fail this challenge. Well guess what happened. Yesterday I didn't have school nor work, so I spend the day gaming, watching youtube and I logged in back to twitter in the evening. I was really bummed out about it but today I started seeing it more as a learning opportuinity, if taht makes sense. I don't have to be perfect, I just need to be consistent in my effort. Today is better, but at the same time I'm spending most of the day at school.
01-NOV-24
This Ｎｏｖｅｍｂｅｒ I'm doing a challenge called Ｎｏｖｅｍｂｅｒ in which I try to survive every day of Ｎｏｖｅｍｂｅｒ
In all seriousness though I am doing a challenge. I am giving up modern internet for a month. That means no instagram, no twitter, no tumblr,
no browsing reddit (I still can access it though, since it became one of the main sources of knowledge on the internet, unfortunately), and no
youtube binging.
I take it as a prerequisite to a dopamine detox I want to do in the second half of this month. It should take about two weeks, during which I'll
also avoid gaming and binge watching anime an tv shows. This is all according to a plan laid out by Dr. K. I really hope to get my motivation back.
So dopamine detox is one of the reasons why I do this, but the other is that simply social media makes me *feel bad*. The constant hate and division of
opinions, the rage baiting and the trash AI content. I just need a break from it all.
I already started avoiding social media at the start of the week. The only thing I miss is, surprisingly, instagram. I only follow my friends, and I do miss
all the "microinteractions" we had.
So far I've been reading more. And by that I don't mean my classic- rading manga on the bus- but real books. I started The Dark Fields by Alan Glynn.
21-OCT-24
I hate to fail so quickly. It's been over a month since I last touched CS50p. Covid hit me like a runaway train and I just could not
focus on anything at the end of September.
Then my masters classes started and I got so busy with school, work, and schoolwork that I just could not continue. The only way
I got time to update this site is because I'm skipping classes right now. It sucks- I'm unhappy and always tired. I really don't know
what to do, and I'm trying my best not to cry in the library right now. I feel overwhelmed all the time. I get up before dawn and return
home only after dusk. I don't even have time for gaming, but to be fair, I don't really remember when was the last time I enjoyed it.
I don't want to make my situation look so sad, but there's not much I can do about it right now.
The only way out is through.
9-OCT-2024
To whoever took down the internet archive:
Fuck you.
Sincerely,
Everybody
15-SEP-24
I continued CS50p, but I only did one lecture today, my head hurts and I want to sleep. I'm still not as healthy as I would like to be.
While I have not done much today, I still showed up. Right now it is mostly about building the habit of studying almost every day.
14-SEP-24
I started the OSSU Computer science course. I initially wanted to skip the CS50P bit, but I skimmed
through the materials and decided I should just burn through it. I'm still fighting covid so today I
just finished the first video and the problem set.
Truth be told, the siley faces problem took me embarrassingly long time to complete. I'm rusty.
It kinda sucks being at the start again. I've done similar tutorials countless times. I never sticked
through to the end. Hopefully this time is gonna be different.
13-SEP-24
Still recovering from covid. Building up this website is the best I can do at the moment.
I also spent some time toying with linux. Absolutely messed up my Fedora installation, decided
to move to NixOs, got too overwhelmed and came back to Fedora. At least I finally managed to
get Hyprland to work.