Writings for the drawer

11-NOV-25

I messed up a bit. Yesterday I looked at the calendar-dashboard-thingy I made and noticed that I have no mandatory classes today, so I decided to stay at home. Only after it was too late to commute to school I realized that the device froze and didn't load the whole calendar. It's not that big of a deal but still kinda sucks.

Other news: I'm finally getting professional help.

08-NOV-25

My father is pissed for no reason again. I do not want to be in the same room as him. I have been hiding a lot in my bedroom lately. No really missing him since he started coming home so late.

This may sound insensitive but I cannot wait to move out and leave my family behind at least for a bit. Though I am very scared, it cannot be worse than this.

06-NOV-25

Dude I am panicking again. I have no idea what to do to calm myself down. It fucking sucks but I am constantly on the edge these past two or three days. I feel like I am not facing all my responsibilities. I slept very poorly last night. Spent like 3 hours staring at the ceiling. Worried about my future, my job, my studies. I am starting to think that maybe all that scrolling and bathing my brain in dopamine lead to me avoiding all the random garbage in my life, and now that I have to face it all I do not know what to do about it.

Or maybe I do, I just do not want to do it. I think that what I really need to do right now is open up the school online system, look up all the things I have to do, read all the materials on the lectures I skipped, and work on my assignments from there, BUT I CANNOT CONVINCE MY BRAIN TO WORK WITH ME HERE. Deep down I do not want to do any of this. My brain is trying as hard as it can to just fucking avoid all the hard work any eliminate all the suffering that comes with it, but the longer I will avoid my work the worse everything will become in the long run. I know all of this. Why cannot I do anything about it??

Lately I have been having this issue. I do not feel like doing anything, but at the same time I do not feel like not doing anything, and it is complete garbage state I hate it and I have no idea how to escape it.

Also sorry for not shorting anything but I have no idea where the apostrophe is on the keyboard I am typing this on, lmao.

31-OCT-25

Unsorted thoughts

Happy Halloween! I wish it was more celebrated here.
Actually I was last minute invited to a party, but I'm too sad and tired to participate right now. It is what it is.

I'm trying to join a webring, but having some technical difficulites. Hope to resolve it soon.

I've been feeling sick since last Sunday. It's not getting much better and I'm not getting anything done.

Oh and since it's November tommorow, I'm trying my No Internet November again. I'd like to increase the odds of me succeeding, so I'm not forcing myself to be completely offline, I'm just trying to be less online. I uninstalled social media apps from my phone. Logged off from my computers. Can't go completely cold turkey on this, but I really want to spend less time doomscrolling and more time doing my work.

My eyes are sore from staring at the screens for days.

I really hope my attention span is fixable.

Daylight savings sucks, I think I have something akin to seasonal depression :(

29-OCT-25

Sorry for not updating much. I've been in a weird depressive-like state over the past few months. I really wished to lock in, to make the summer count. But alas, I only managed to work on some passion projects. I did some light coding, but nothing to write home about. Now that the first month of school is behind me, I'm more anxious than ever. I'm worried about my finals next May, all my assignments, my thesis, my job. I don't want to do any of it, and it's really hard to actually start working on things.

I am actually running out of time.

Here's the kicker though. I've been working in corporate IT for three years now, and I can't say I like it. I can count the days I enjoyed on my hands. And I'm not sure I'd like it more if I went into programming. The state of the industry is disasterous to be honest. Not to mention I still can't code. I keep failing myself.

Lately, and I haven't told anyone about this, I've been thinking about pivoting. Completely changing my focus.
As a kid I always wanted to be a race car driver. Now that I'm older, I don't think I'm cut out for it. But I'd still love to participate. As a race engineer. Part of the team. Honestly being part of the pit crew is a dream, but I'm not sure how to get there.

But I don't think I can actually became a member of a racing team with my degree in business/compsci-lite. And I have different things to worry about. Current plan is to finish the school. After that I'll try my best to become software engineer to fuel my motorsport dream. Ideally start coding while I'm still in school. I'm considering a degree in mechanical engineering with focus on motorosport, but that's gonna need at least 5 another years and bunch of money, since I'm getting too old to have my studies sponsored by the state.

This year I spent a lot of time avoiding things. Avoiding thinking, avoiding discomfort, avoiding hard work. Blaming everything from the food I ate to the brain fog. But this is no way further. I have to force myself to do the hard things. Day by day the stakes are higher and higher. And I know I can build the life I desire. But it's not free. Nothing worth it ever was free.

I just need to lock in.

29-MAY-25

I spent the last two days in job and hanging out with friends after. I really enjoyed it. I'll have more time tomorrow to actually rebuild this page and to finally start doing cool shit, I hope :).

27-MAY-25

Where have you been?

Hi, sorry for the lack of updates. School had me drowning in work. But I'm back now and I should be updating this site more often again. I have some articles I want to write and publish here, and I need to make a slight restructure of this site. This page in particular got derailed crazy style.

If I'm crashing out... and you're crashing out... then who's locking in??

This whole website started as my way of being accountable with my compsci journey. Unfortunately my schoolwork and my job ate most of my time and to be honest I might be going through a quater-life crisis, so I did absolutely nothing more than what I needed to do. That has to change now. I have a terrible case of brain fog. It's actually crazy how hard it is to focus. Every little bit of effort almost hurts. This is not who I am. To be frank, I was this close 🤏 to freaking quitting the school. But I want my degree. I wanted to be an enginneer since I was 10. I keep letting myself down way too much. I am not dissapointing myself this time.There are 3 main areas I have to focus on right now.

My thesis, my job and studying programming.

I need to focus again. Start running again. Meditate again. Have fun again.

Some kind of reset.

You know what the worst thing about it is? I feel like I know the solutions to my problems. I need to move more, go out more. Sleep better. Spend less time scrolling. Rediscover myself. Though that is way easier to say than actually figure all out.
There are two tweets I read in past months that somewhat struck out to me- The first says that the best way to beat depression is to spend as little time as possible at home. The other one is that the most attractive thing that anyone can do is to enjoy life. And that is the main goal right now. Find out how to enjoy life. I have this feeling that this summer is gonna be huge.

To be completely honest, here I am right now, typing this on a new laptop (blog post about it comming soon), sitting on my bed, blasting some feel good pop punk and life does not seem as bad as it felt an hour ago.
I think I can do this. I can learn. I can change.

And I will.

22-FEB-25

Things got better. Just as I promised.

It's not ideal, far from it. But I feel a bit better than I was feeling at the start of the semester. I'm still too sad to reach out and hang out with my friends, and I still feel somewhat too busy and not really enjoying my studies, and my work still sucks gigaballs, but it really got a tiny bit better. I'm chipping away my schoolwork, and my proposal for my masters thesis was accepted. I can't believe I'll be writing my dissertation on mechanical keyboards! That is a dream. Truth be told, my topic is Optimization of keyboard layout for typing in Czech, and that is not very beneficial to anyone, but at least I'll enjoy writing it and in the end I might end up with a framework for optimizing keyboard layouts, which I could always use, since I want to try daily driving sub 60% keyboards.

19-FEB-25

I'm practicing eye contact with strangers.
Since the school started I'm back to spending huge chunks of time in a library. I usually walk all around the library. There are like 6 floors in my local library, with lots of study spaces. I went for something and I made eye contact with this girl. She looked away, blushing and smiling.
I felt like a god.

12-FEB-25

Dude I'm oh-so tired

07-DEC-24

A toast to my friends

I dedicate this drink to you all.

To Matt and his girlfriend. May your relationship flourish and your research flow.
To Kiara and her goal of becoming a writer. I read all your stories, and I listen to all your podcasts. I can't wait for your next release.
To Josh and his career. I'm always astonished by your knowledge and accomplishments. And of course I check out everything you put out there.
To Phoebe and her boyfriend. I'm so glad you found happiness in this relationship and I hope Toby will help you find a direction. He's a certified baller.
To Otis, and his newfound love for academia. I'm so happy things are finally looking up for you.
To Lily, and her dream of becoming a doctor. Your crazy hard work does not go unnoticed.
To Max, who may be a bit struggling at the moment, but they always bounce back. I can't wait for the next sunset watching session with beer and shit talking.
To Philip, Emily, Madelyn and Bella; we haven't been in touch lately, but I still think about you often and I know about all the crazy shit you're up to.

I see all your hard work and it's inspiring me, lighting up this small flame inside of me. You make me want to better myself. To chase my goals. To became a man I can be proud of. The man who can proudly stay by your side.
It's all your merit.
And I could never repay you for all the things you do for me, even if you think it's nothing.

So tonight I'm having this glass of whiskey on the rocks. Thinking about all of you. Being grateful for all of you. Wishing that all your dreams will come true.

24-NOV-24

L's all around.
I failed my no internet challenge pretty badly, but I don't mind it that much, since I stated it way before November, so I got quite close to whole month without modern internet.
I never started my dopamine detox. I bought The Last of Us Part 1 and pretty much binged it to the end.

Last night I was out with my friends and I saw a guy I was hanging out with in high school. I didn't approach him, I felt sick. He's great guy, and I respect him dearly. But back in HS, he was the only one who was into computers, like me. He was always two steps ahead but I never minded that, I still had things to bring to the conversation.
I have no idea what he's doing now. Which university he attended. But if he did choose computer science he's gotta be miles ahead of me, and it made me very sad.

06-NOV-24

Just like I said in this mondays blog post, if I won't make a concrete plan, I will fail this challenge. Well guess what happened. Yesterday I didn't have school nor work, so I spend the day gaming, watching youtube and I logged in back to twitter in the evening. I was really bummed out about it but today I started seeing it more as a learning opportuinity, if taht makes sense. I don't have to be perfect, I just need to be consistent in my effort. Today is better, but at the same time I'm spending most of the day at school.

01-NOV-24

This Ｎｏｖｅｍｂｅｒ I'm doing a challenge called Ｎｏｖｅｍｂｅｒ in which I try to survive every day of Ｎｏｖｅｍｂｅｒ

In all seriousness though I am doing a challenge. I am giving up modern internet for a month. That means no instagram, no twitter, no tumblr, no browsing reddit (I still can access it though, since it became one of the main sources of knowledge on the internet, unfortunately), and no youtube binging.

I take it as a prerequisite to a dopamine detox I want to do in the second half of this month. It should take about two weeks, during which I'll also avoid gaming and binge watching anime an tv shows. This is all according to a plan laid out by Dr. K. I really hope to get my motivation back.

So dopamine detox is one of the reasons why I do this, but the other is that simply social media makes me *feel bad*. The constant hate and division of opinions, the rage baiting and the trash AI content. I just need a break from it all.

I already started avoiding social media at the start of the week. The only thing I miss is, surprisingly, instagram. I only follow my friends, and I do miss all the "microinteractions" we had.
So far I've been reading more. And by that I don't mean my classic- rading manga on the bus- but real books. I started The Dark Fields by Alan Glynn.

21-OCT-24

I hate to fail so quickly. It's been over a month since I last touched CS50p. Covid hit me like a runaway train and I just could not focus on anything at the end of September. Then my masters classes started and I got so busy with school, work, and schoolwork that I just could not continue. The only way I got time to update this site is because I'm skipping classes right now. It sucks- I'm unhappy and always tired. I really don't know what to do, and I'm trying my best not to cry in the library right now. I feel overwhelmed all the time. I get up before dawn and return home only after dusk. I don't even have time for gaming, but to be fair, I don't really remember when was the last time I enjoyed it.

I don't want to make my situation look so sad, but there's not much I can do about it right now.

The only way out is through.

9-OCT-2024

To whoever took down the internet archive:
Fuck you.
Sincerely,
Everybody

15-SEP-24

I continued CS50p, but I only did one lecture today, my head hurts and I want to sleep. I'm still not as healthy as I would like to be.

While I have not done much today, I still showed up. Right now it is mostly about building the habit of studying almost every day.

14-SEP-24

I started the OSSU Computer science course. I initially wanted to skip the CS50P bit, but I skimmed through the materials and decided I should just burn through it. I'm still fighting covid so today I just finished the first video and the problem set.
Truth be told, the siley faces problem took me embarrassingly long time to complete. I'm rusty.

It kinda sucks being at the start again. I've done similar tutorials countless times. I never sticked through to the end. Hopefully this time is gonna be different.

13-SEP-24

Still recovering from covid. Building up this website is the best I can do at the moment.
I also spent some time toying with linux. Absolutely messed up my Fedora installation, decided to move to NixOs, got too overwhelmed and came back to Fedora. At least I finally managed to get Hyprland to work.