I just wanna live dawg
This past few weeks, months even, I've been kinda living on auto pilot. Days have become
a similar blur. I've haven't been really doing anything outside of attending school, going
to work and binge watching youtube.
I don't really know how, but something has to change. I can't keep living like this. I
believe I have a huge potential. I just have no idea how to apply myself.
I know they say that comparision is a thief of joy, or whatever, but lately I've been kinda,
jealous you coud say, of my friends. Listen, they deserve it all. They all went through so
much bullshit that they have the right to enjoy their sunny days. That being said, I'm here,
sitting in my hellhole, like this:
One of my friends went to Portugal with a friend and in a month they visited Denmark with
their partner. My other friend got accepted to a prestigeous research programme, they
just completed their course on surviving stressfull situations and they'll leave for Sudan
next week (they also have admirable leadership and socail skills and I am straight up jealous
of the random side quest esque things they do on daily basis).
I met both of them in the last few days and while they both had all these interesting stories,
the most interesting thing I could have said was how I survived this exam period.
Then there are other friends
in love with academia, working on their carreers, or just in love with other people, and I
have none of that right now. I'm not doing anything.
To be fair that is not exactly true. I shone bright when volunteering in a repair café. And
I actually made some things at the beginning of the year, when I had more free time (I built
yet another super cool custom keyboard and a mini rack).
But I feel like I'm stagnating. Falling behind a bit. Really hoping to find my calling, yet
I can't hear anything. The most I can do on a daily basis is to log in to my remote job and
watch unhealthy amount of youtube. All effort almost hurts. And I can't find my way out of
this rut.
It feels like I have this desire for a life that is slipping through my fingers.